I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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