My cat gives me a boner
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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