Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
