my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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