I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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