And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
