I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
