You made me cry and you don't even care
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
