My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
