I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Randomize
