How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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