You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
