This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
