I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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