i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
either way he was missing a nipple.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
