I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
