She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
