He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
