Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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