Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
