Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
