My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
false alarm, still single
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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