i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Terrible idea I love it
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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