I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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