remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
her vagine was all disorganized.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
