I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
