I think my fart just growled at me.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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