I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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