Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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