so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
