Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I'm like, not good at living.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
