everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
