There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
