I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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