you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
