I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
