I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
be right there i have to get my cape
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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