you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
