I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
