I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
