Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Randomize
