I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
