This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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