yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
