It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
