If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
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