I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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