i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
