I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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