if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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