her vagina looked like bernie madoff
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
