the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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