I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
