I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
