Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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