glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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