put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
