you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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