Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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