Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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